MR

I say we keep the train on the tracks today, and instead of taking the sweet bait of the 3 headed Loon, we just talk about stuff, and/or tell jokes.

So, leading by example, I will tell a joke and hopefully others will laugh and add their own. Please, for me, if a Loon gets loose, especially in this thread, don't answer them...please.

Joke number one:


How did Stevie Wonder's mom punish him?























Answer: She rearranged the furniture. Hahahaha

Here's a good one going around Pittsburgh....Let me through this out...I'm NOT racist, I have alot of black friends......

Coach Tomlin's wife finally got her season tickets for the upcoming season.......








Punchline: They are in Section 8

Fishcakes
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday!"

hahahaa! that was cute! }:C))

LarryFromNextDoor wrote:Fishcakes
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday!"

My contribution -

http://www.joeventures.com/images/endofworld.swf

Soto All The Way wrote:Here's a good one going around Pittsburgh....Let me through this out...I'm NOT racist, I have alot of black friends......

Coach Tomlin's wife finally got her season tickets for the upcoming season.......








Punchline: They are in Section 8

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

photograph superman!!

http://hk.promo.yahoo.com/movie/superma ... ress_Game/

i don't have a joke but i have a story. this happened yesterday... funny but sad at the same time.

we (the hubby & i) were driving around house hunting... after awhile we decided to drive up in the hills & look at some camping sites. up in trabuco/silverado canyon they have some really nice places to go camping. especially if you're chicken like myself! anyway, we find this nice place & my hubby goes to get some information. he sees a group of people looking at something on the ground. it's a HUGE scorpion. it has it's pinchers & tail up. the onlookers must have never seen one before because they were taking pictures & poking it. after a while they hopped in their car where they proceed to run it over!!!!! wtf??? my hubby & others tired to stop them but they were clueless. man people really are that stupid! }:C|

cop shoots a dog!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plMONQBj5dM

Never throw a surprise party for a cop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALNSkGANoiI

strungout wrote:Never throw a surprise party for a cop.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALNSkGANoiI

I love Reno 911! It's more like the real police that the COPS show it! Scary, huh?

Why is air a lot like sex?











Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

This is one of those jokes that's not that funny, but you still laugh when you read it.

Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?








His dick was stuck in the little boy carrying the chicken

and yet another....

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farm since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement
offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation is best of all...."

She said, "I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!" She sent in her entry, and about a week later a black limo drove up front of her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we are not able to use it...." Here is her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul,
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.

Hey Guys....is this what you-all REALLY think....????
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fusea ... 1035409180

Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

I can tell you that is correct to the T!

Greggie wrote:Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

You forgot this one (at least for me )

13. Wake up in jail wondering why the fuck you're there.

saint John wrote:

Greggie wrote:Stages of Drunkeness
0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

You forgot this one (at least for me )

13. Wake up in jail wondering why the fuck you're there.

Hahaha....that is definitely #13 then!

LarryFromNextDoor wrote:[img]http://blog.dev-scene.com/mrshlee/files/2006/11/monorailcat.jpg[/img


]

That is just to cute Love the jokes keep them coming

Shweaty Balls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImvaeqNht18

3 Catholic Priests are fishing with 3 boys.

The boat suddenly starts taking on water.

the first priest shouts, "We need to save the boys!"

the second priests says "fuck the boys"

and the third priest says, "You think we got time?!"


Hahahahaahaha

.

Ok, everyone can appreciate a blonde joke:

A man is mowing his grass and looks over to see his pretty blonde neighbor come out of her house to check her mailbox. She gets a puzzled look on her face, closes the mailbox and goes back inside. 5 minutes later, she comes out again, checks her mailbox, and this time she curses and slams the mailbox shut and goes back inside. 5 minutes later she again comes out of her house and looks in her mailbox. This time she slams it shut and starts wildly cursing. The guy turns off his lawn mower and asks her what is wrong. She says "well, I got a new computer" and he says "how's it working for you?". She says, "I think it's broken." "How's that?" he says. She says, "Well, everytime I turn it on it says I have mail..."

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery - The study of paintings
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
D&C - Where Washington is
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
G.I. Series - World Series of military baseball
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Darn near killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - More than one
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Near by

What did the blonde say when she looked inside a box of Cheerios?

"Look, donut seeds!"

I am loving this thread