MR

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just

HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent!"

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of

your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips

and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary

is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're lying!!!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

We can't drive."

Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding
vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading
300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the
treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18
Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint
to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC
style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it,
which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately,
the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to
override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the
hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson,
the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left
rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his
holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Rick wrote:Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding
vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading
300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the
treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18
Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint
to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC
style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it,
which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately,
the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to
override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the
hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson,
the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left
rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his
holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

Rick wrote:I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

In a couple years this won't be joke.

T-Bone wrote:

Rick wrote:Top this for a speeding ticket

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar .
One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding
vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading
300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it
would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the
treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18
Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint
to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC
style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this
incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the
Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your
hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it,
which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft
had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately,
the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was,
quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to
override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the
hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them,
since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson,
the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left
rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his
holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

Yeah, I never thought it was real. Funny though.

StoneCold wrote:

Rick wrote:I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

In a couple years this won't be joke.

That is so true.

Rick wrote:I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Hey Rickasaurus, while you're on an AV changing roll, can I request the crazy Pryor back until you get your next one?

Ilike the new one!

StoneCold wrote:

Rick wrote:I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Hey Rickasaurus, while you're on an AV changing roll, can I request the crazy Pryor back until you get your next one?

I'll put that very one up when I get home. I like that one.

Granny wrote:Ilike the new one!

Thanks Carol, I like your new av too.

Rick wrote:

Granny wrote:Ilike the new one!

Thanks Carol, I like your new av too.

I agree, the cropped Perry pic looks great.